Wikipedia Brown: ‘The Case of the Tenacious Trojan’ (Part 1 of 3)
Episodes 1 and 2 in the serialized adventures of Wikipedia Brown are complete and you’ll find them here. So, it’s time to move on to Episode 3, Wikipedia Brown and the Case of the Tenacious Trojan. Of course, all of these fine works of fiction were meant to be recorded and listened to rather than read. Only one episode was produced, and you’ll find that here.
So, on to the Tenacious Trojan episode. The script was by First Arkansas News owner/editor Ethan C. Nobles and will be presented in three parts. Ready for the first installment in this thrilling adventure? Sure you are! We’ll let the narrator start us out.
What’s going on down at the Wikipedia Brown Detective Agency and Knowledge Repository today? Well, Wikipedia Brown – self-professed smarty pants and student of the phenomenon that is the World Wide Web – is reading about Abraham Lincoln and comparing himself – favorably – to the 16th president of the United States. His able assistant, Webster, is close at hand and working a crossword puzzle in the local daily paper, The Courier. Let’s see what they’re up to, shall we?
“You know, Webster, that Abraham Lincoln was an incredible man,” Wikipedia observed. “He just achieved so much with such primitive technology. Just think what he would have been able to do with an Internet connection and instant access to … The Truth.”
“Yes. Tragic. Just think – if Lincoln would have had, say, a Facebook account, he might have been distracted enough to let the whole country fall into chaos. I think Lincoln made out just fine.”
“Don’t get me wrong, Webster. Lincoln did do well. He was just a man ahead of his time, you know? He did great things with what was on hand, but he could have achieved so much more if he was alive today.”
“OK, Wiki. I’ll let you have that one.”
“Well, you didn’t exactly let me have that one. As usual, I am right. I’m glad you admitted it quicker this time.
“Anyway, Lincoln was a man ahead of his time. A man who was underappreciated during his time. He’s a lot like me, you know?”
“Uh, yes. You two are very similar. He became president of the United States, put an end to slavery, kept the nation together during a civil war, and you’ve, well, played around on the Internet a lot…”
“Now, Webster. That’s not fair,” Wikipedia interrupted. “I’m just a kid. I haven’t achieved much yet, but I will. I know I will because I’m so great! Just like Lincoln. Just imagine how much more he could have achieved had he not been killed at Ford’s Amphitheater.”
“Yeah, that was tragic. … Wait. Ford’s Amphitheater”
“Yes. Ford’s Amphitheater. He was killed during a boxing match against George Foreman.”
“What? No, he was shot and murdered by John Wilkes Booth at Ford’s Theater during a play.”
“Now, Webster. That was just a story that was made up to conceal … The Truth. I was just reading this site telling about how Lincoln died in the ring.”
“Oh, yes. We know that everything we read on the Internet is true, don’t we?”
“No, just most things. Besides, this Lincoln-Foreman story was posted by a very credible reporter. He’s the same guy who broke the story about space aliens manipulating the past six presidential elections.”
“That’s downright insane, Wiki. All of it is nuts. Space aliens? And Foreman wasn’t even alive when Lincoln was killed. Where do you get your information?”
“Now, Webster. No need to go on like that. Just admit that you’ve fallen for a bunch of rigid, establishment lies and then let’s move on to something else.”
The debate was interrupted by a MIDI rendition of the Chicken Dance playing over Wikipedia’s computer.
“Wait. Now that’s funny,” Wikipedia observed.
“The computer was working just fine a minute ago. Now there’s a bunch of dancing chickens on the screen and it won’t go away. Geez. That music is annoying.”
“Yeah. It is pretty bad. Could be worse, though.”
“I opened one of those email birthday cards once and it played the most annoying song on the planet at me. Not sure what it was – used the phrase “feelin’ groovy” a dozen times or more.”
“I’ve heard that one!” Wikipedia agreed. “You’re right – that would be worse. Hey, check your computer, will you?”
“Mine’s doing it, too!” Webster said after taking a look at his computer. “Oh, no. I bet we got a virus.”
“You could be right, Webster. I don’t get it. I mean, I keep my antivirus software up to date and stay off of unsafe sites…”
“I don’t know, the one you got your Lincoln facts from seems pretty dangerous…”
“Oh, it is not. I go there all the time. I doubt that site is to blame. Something new has entered the picture. I wonder how widespread this is? Webster, I do think I have a new case.”
“I guess we do. The first thing to do would be to call some people and see if they’re having the same trouble we are.”
And, so, Webster and Wikipedia call around to discover how far the virus has traveled. They call friends. They call neighbors. They call people they barely know. Oddly, they learn that the virus has traveled no farther than their own city. Very precision work and more than a bit strange. Who could be responsible?
“I’m not sure who’s behind this, but I have my suspicions,” Wikipedia said.
“Britannica? No, Webster. This one has Wolfgang Coody written all over it.”
“The mayor? Why would you think the mayor did it? Britannica seems a lot more likely.”
“No, Britannica wouldn’t dare try anything. I stopped him from banning the Internet. I stopped him from stealing Ms. West’s shoe. He’s been foiled twice now, so I doubt he’ll try try anything anytime soon.”
“But, why do you think the mayor is going around spreading a computer virus?”
“Pure instinct, Webster old bean. I don’t trust that guy. There’s just something about him, you know?”
“No, I don’t know. And if you keep accusing him of things, I’m afraid you’ll be in trouble. I mean he’s the mayor and he’s got some influence with the police chief…”
“Perhaps, but he doesn’t have any influence over … The Truth. You lack the courage to pursue The Truth but, unfortunately for the mayor, I run toward The Truth rather than away from it.
“Yes, it’s up to me to go see the mayor. Are you coming with me, Webster?”
“No. No I’m not. There’s no need for both of us to get in trouble.”
“Fine. I’ll be the brave one as usual. You stay here and cringe in fear. You just go ahead and run from The Truth. I’ll go stop the mayor from getting away with his evil scheme.”
Is Mayor Coody behind the plot to infect computers throughout the town? And what of Britannica, Wikipedia’s sworn nemesis? Stop by next week for part two of the Case of the Tenacious Trojan and find out, pilgrim!
Benton resident. Rogue journalist. Recovering attorney. Email = Ethan@FirstArkansasNews.net.