Horoscope for the week of Jan. 9
Frankly, we weren’t sure if Dr. Zodiac — our resident psychic, soothsayer and general purpose mystic — would come through with a horoscope this week.
Well, he calls them StarCasts, but that’s another story. At any rate, it seems the good doctor was upset over a fight with his wife and just wasn’t in the mood to tell us what the treacherous stars had in store for us in the coming week. He claimed his emotional state was not conducive to his necessary contact with the stars, thus making it difficult for him to, you know, tune in to what the stars are up to this week (or something like that — it’s hard to sift through all that mumbo jumbo at times).
Frankly, we at First Arkansas News figured he was just moping because his wife told him to get a real job or beat it. Yes, it seems she’s not too happy with his financial arrangement with us (he tells us what the stars have in store every week and, in return, we don’t send him a dime) and his failure to find an investor for a piece of scientific equipment he calls the Dr. Zodiac Way Advanced Crystal Ouija Rune Board.
We’re not sure what’s in store for Dr. Zodiac, but the good news is that he came through with a horoscope and claims that his connection to the stars has been restored. That’s good news. What do the stars have in store for us this week? Read on and find out for yourself.
Mar 21-Apr 19
You will fall under the influence of a strange organization this week. It might be a religious cult or something else — the stars aren’t very clear on that. They’re also not real clear on how much choice you have in deciding what kind of off-kilter group you will join. That being the case, I would suggest that you be selective. The “flat earth” bunch espouses nonsense that is easily refuted, but they’re pretty well harmless. The “I believe in space aliens” crowd is pretty harmless, too. Go with a group like one of those. They tend to not cause too much harm and throw some pretty good parties, too. Your lucky number this week is 9,719.
Apr 20-May 20
Get ready because you’re about to be afflicted with a disease that scientists declared dead years ago. What is it? Pac-Man Fever! If there’s a Pac-Man arcade machine in your area, you’ll play it. You’ll download Pac-Man apps for your smartphone, buy ports of the game for your favorite video gaming system and/or computer and generally think of nothing else but avoiding ghosts all week long. Now, your condition will be very specific in that you don’t want to play Ms. Pac-Man or anything else that isn’t the original game. You’ll avoid that Pac-Man port for the Atari 2600, too. That thing was awful. Your lucky number this week is 1980.
May 21-Jun 21
The coming week is shaping up to be one in which people will follow their obsessions. You, my friend, are no exception. You want to know what that obsession is? I’ll give you a hit — it involves a Trans-Am, a lot of gas money and a week of fun. Yes, I’m talking about the sixth annual Bandit Run that starts on May 12 in Texarkana and ends May 19 in Atlanta. You’re going on it this year, Gemini, so just get ready. What is the Bandit Run? A group of folks have been hopping in their Trans-Ams every year since 2007 to commemorate Smokey and the Bandit, the film the stars claim is the greatest one ever made by human beings. Enjoy your trip. Your lucky number this week is 556.
Jun 22-Jul 22
Cancer, it’s not going to be a great week for you. That’s all there is to it. It’s kind of hard to explain, but I’ll try. You’re familiar with Josh McDaniels, right? He’s that fellow who lucked into a head coaching job with the Denver Broncos in 2009 and then was run out of town after two seasons when it was discovered that he had no more business coaching a football team than I do. Yes, he got something he didn’t deserve, blew a golden opportunity and then left the Broncos in disgrace. You’re in for something similar, my friend. Good luck. Your lucky number this week is 7.
Jul 23-Aug 22
Uh, this is a bad one, Leo. Get ready. All week long, you will be tormented by Simon and Garfunkle. You’ll walk into an elevator music and you’ll hear the folksy duo warbling on about one thing or another. You’ll turn on the radio and they’ll be there. Think you’re safe if you’ve got satellite radio? Guess again. Pandora Internet radio? Bam. Simon & Garfunkle every time you turn it on and get ready to hear some soothing tunes. Feeling groovy? You won’t for long, ace. Hey, it could be worse. The stars could be tormenting you with Eric Clapton. Your lucky number this week is 59!
Aug 23-Sep 22
Ever walk into a room and feel that everyone is talking about you? That’s usually just paranoia. I see “usually” because it won’t be paranoia this week — it will be parafact. Friends will whisper behind your back and everyone will be involved in your business. And there’s no escaping it. If you try to lay low this week by staying home and taking it easy, that will just give rise to a bunch of rumors. Cheer up. It’s only a week, right? Your lucky number this week is 17.
Sep 23-Oct 23
A piece of bad economic use will cause you to think quite of a number of uncomfortable things. How can there be an economic recovery if all our manufacturing is sent overseas? Is the miserably time the nation is going through the natural result of too much credit being extended to too many people who can’t afford to get out of debt? How long will the government be able to borrow the money to finance its various enterprises? Don’t let it get you down, bub. The federal government isn’t worried about the economic future of the nation, so why should you be? Your lucky number this week is somewhere in the trillions.
Oct 24-Nov 21
My, I do wish I was a Scorpio this week. Why Because you’re in for a good time, Scorpio. A great week, in fact. If you’re working on a project this week, it will be successful. Expecting some money to come in this week? It will show up for you. Waiting for an eBay order to come in early? It will certainly do that. Everything will go your way this week, so enjoy it while it lasts. Your lucky number this week is 1.
Nov 22-Dec 21
You’ve always thought you had a great sense of humor, but that will be proven absolutely wrong this week. Every joke you tell will fail, but you’ll feel compelled to tell them, anyway, in a fruitless attempt to entertain your friends and family. By the way, here’s a joke to avoid — “so this baby seal walks into a club.” Don’t tell that one. That’s the only advice I can give you. Your lucky number this week is 0.
Dec 22-Jan 19
It’s time to panic as you’ll realize 2011 had ended and there’s something you didn’t do regarding your taxes. yes, it’s easier to keep up with receipts, mileage and whatever else every month but you didn’t do it, did you? Oh, you were too busy to keep up with such things and figured you’d put all of that mundane, necessary record keeping until such a time as it was absolutely necessary. That time is quickly approaching and you’re not ready, are you. Go get a good accountant because you’ll need one. Here’s some advice — stay on top of things in 2012, huh? Your lucky number this week is W-2.
Jan 20-Feb 18
Jeff Foxworthy. That’s right. Jeff Foxworthy. You will become convinced that he is the greatest comic on the planet and will fight anyone who doesn’t agree with you. It would be wise to keep your opinions to yourself, but you won’t do it, will you? It’s not in your nature. Don’t fret over it too much, Jeff Foxworthy is actually pretty funny. I did prefer the second season of The Jeff Foxworthy Show to the second, but that’s just me. Your lucky number this week is 5.
Feb 19-Mar 20
I’ve got a theory that the secret to success in the liquor industry is to come up with a clever name for your product. If the folks at Miller decided to take crummy old Miller Lite and put it in a bottle labeled something like — I don’t know — “Pirate Pete’s Scurvy Ale,” people would buy it. The people responsible for that cheap Heavy Hill vodka could call it something like “The Tsar’s Private Reserve,” sell it for $200 a fifth and people would buy it. You will prove my theory correct. Your lucky number this week is 12.
Dr. Zodiac is an enigma wrapped in a mystery. Send him an email to firstname.lastname@example.org. If your email is intriguing enough, the good doctor will answer it and we'll print his response here at First Arkansas News.