Horoscope for the week of Jan. 2
Well, happy New Year!
I know what you’re all thinking — what kind of calamity will the stars inflict on us in 2012? Well, you might not be thinking along those lines. We at First Arkansas News didn’t until Dr. Zodiac — our resident psychic, soothsayer and general purpose mystic — sold us we ought to be thinking about such things constantly. Who are we to question the wisdom of Dr. Zodiac? He is, after all, a doctor (or at least he claims to be).
At any rate, Dr. Zodiac tells us that 2012 will be a rough one on us mere mortals as Big Star — the undisputed leader of the stars — is in a rotten mood. It seems his wife has taken up with a comet and Big Star is looking to take it out on someone. While he’s sure to make a few stars miserable, Dr. Zodiac tells us that he really doesn’t like humans much, anyway, so he’s sure to be extra terrible to us in the coming year (or at least until he resolves his situation with his wife).
Well, one week at a time, right? Scroll on down to read your StarCast for the coming week.
Mar 21-Apr 19
Wow. You went and set a record this year, didn’t you Aries? You broke your New Year’s resolution shortly after midnight on New Year’s Day and that’s impressive. Of course, I — your good friend Dr. Zodiac — also made a resolution and I will keep it. What is my resolution? To be even greater in 2012. I know I set the bar high in 2011, but I’m convinced I’ll make it. Your lucky number this week is 2.
Apr 20-May 20
The holidays were a heck of a lot of fun, weren’t they? It seems that the United States pretty well shuts down the last two weeks of the year as everyone gets swept up in the joy of Christmas and the excuse to misbehave that New Year’s Eve offers. Well, that’s all over, so get back to work. Don’t think your boss won’t be watching you — he never much cared for you, anyway, so he’s resolved to keep an eye on you this year. Be careful. Your lucky number this week is 9-5.
May 21-Jun 21
No, it won’t be your imagination. You will take a bet that you can run a run a load of Coors from Texarkana, Texas, to Atlanta in under 28 hours. If you win, you’ll get to keep the Trans-Am purchased for the trip and $80,000 (possibly enough to buy a new big rig!) None of that makes sense as it’s no longer illegal to haul Coors west of Texas and that beer isn’t that great, anyway. Still, opportunity knocks. Will you slam your door in opportunity’s face? Probably not. Your lucky number this week is east bound and down.
Jun 22-Jul 22
Uh-oh. I see a lot of health issues on the horizon. No, it won’t be anything fatal, but you’ll be dogged by minor illnesses this week. You know, the flu, a migraine — those types of things. It could be worse. A lot worse. Your lucky number this week is equal to your deductible.
Jul 23-Aug 22
You will insist — all week long — that it’s perfect weather for golf. That will be true in some parts of the nation, ridiculous in others. And it doesn’t even matter if you’ve picked up a club before — you will want to play golf and will do anything you can to sneak in a quick 18 holes at your favorite course. Your lucky number this week is fore!
Aug 23-Sep 22
You will gripped by the fear that robots will advance to the point where they can enslave human beings. Don’t be alarmed as that’s not supposed to happen for at least another decade. No, don’t you feel better? I thought you would. Your lucky number this week is 1001001.
Sep 23-Oct 23
You’ll think Virgo is an idiot for fearing robot domination. Why? Because you know the truth — mankind will be enslaved by dolphins who have had enough of being caught in tuna nets, forced to balance things on their noses by those they consider to be lesser beings, the general pollution of their habitat, etc. Unfortunately, Virgo is closer to the mark than you are. Who’s the idiot now? Your lucky number this week is 42.
Oct 24-Nov 21
You’ve heard about people getting so hard that they see stars, right? You will learn this week there’s a reason for that — when people get smacked that hard, it’s usually the stars that are behind it. You’d be well advised to avoid confrontational situations this week, or at least learn to duck effectively. The choice is yours. Good luck. Your lucky number this week is 911.
Nov 22-Dec 21
You’ll be framed for a crime you didn’t commit. Oh, don’t worry too much because it will be a minor crime. Trespassing, theft of a neighbor’s newspaper or something else that’s really no big deal. Still, you might want to see that your favorite bloodsucking lawyer is on retainer just in case. There’s nothing wrong with documenting your whereabouts so you’ll have a good alibi, either. Your lucky number this week is $100 fine.
Dec 22-Jan 19
You’ll get very upset about your finances this week. So upset, in fact, that you’ll start to say dumb things. I knew a guy who thought the Beatles’ wealth was unfair. He would wonder how he could be so broke while the Beatles got rich by having fun and writing songs. The answer was simple — the Beatles had talent, whereas he didn’t. Simple as that. Your lucky number this week is 4.
Jan 20-Feb 18
You’re not crazy — your neighbor actually is evil. His destruction of your flower garden, loud parties that last until the wee hours and bizarre midnight rituals were all inspired by ole Scratch himself. Feel better now? Your lucky number this week is 664 (the neighbor of the beast).
Feb 19-Mar 20
You will argue over things that don’t matter much and make a right fool out of yourself by claiming your subjective opinions are actually objective. Expect to spend a lot of time making your friends furious as you declare that blue is much more attractive than red, Chevy is better than Ford, the Playstation 3 is way better than the Xbox 360 and other topics that will make your friends avoid you for at least a month. By the way, Ford makes the best cars on the planet and I’ll fight any man that doesn’t agree with me. Your lucky number this week is up for debate.
Dr. Zodiac is an enigma wrapped in a mystery. Send him an email to email@example.com. If your email is intriguing enough, the good doctor will answer it and we'll print his response here at First Arkansas News.