Horoscope for the week of Dec. 5
We at First Arkansas News certainly wish everyone a happy Christmas season and hope both the new year is a great one for all.
Dr. Zodiac, however, isn’t quite so optimistic. No, he said the stars love nothing more than to see humans miserable and have been particularly happy about the rotten economy that’s gripped the world these past few years. The stars would love to see that level of misery continue and have vowed to kick us all while we’re down.
“Those stars. They’re punks like that,” Dr. Zodiac said. “Don’t shoot the messenger. I’m not causing all this trouble — the stars have. They have been for years.”
So, there you have it. Of course, the some people will benefit from the stars’ plans for them, but such good fortune is — alas — temporary. Dr. Zodiac tells us the stars are spiteful and will gladly benefit one group in hopes of making another jealous. At any rate, the weekly StarForecasts are as follows:
Mar 21-Apr 19
You are stuck in a job that is not suited for you. You may think your job is ideal, but it is not. Even I, the great Dr. Zodiac, have fallen victim to taking the wrong job and thinking it was perfect for me until I realized it was not. There was a time when I had a job writing bits of wisdom for Chinese fortune cookies. Yes, I tapped into my understanding of the ethereal to write some fortunes that would be meaningful. It seems that the management of the Super Fun Lucky Happy Secret Fortune Cookie Co., however, was more interested in public relations than providing real help. They took a dim view of fortunes that — for example — informed people that the stars hated them and they would be wise to hide under their beds for a few days. I was actually surprised when fired and you have the same fate in store for you. Revise that resume and hit the bricks before it is too late. Your lucky number this week is different from what you think it is.
Apr 20-May 20
Remember when you were out stargazing with a loved one a few days ago? You made a critical error and probably didn’t even realize it. Oh, yes. You pointed out the biggest, brightest star in the sky and simply gushed over how beautiful it was. Ah, but it was not a star — it was a planet. Stars and planets are vastly different. The stars will rally together and remind you of just how different they are this week. Good luck. Your lucky number this week is “that’s no moon — it’s a space station.”
May 21-Jun 21
It’s time for Christmas shopping and that means picking up some deals on eBay. Because they think it’s funny, the stars will make sure that you avoid the “buy it now” items and, instead, stick with straight-up auctions. The problem with that is that you won’t win a single one. You don’t get a lucky number this week — someone else outbid you for it by $1.
Jun 22-Jul 22
Your are a cheapskate, Cancer, and everyone knows it. Typically, that’s fine, but comparisons to Ebenezer Scrooge are inevitable this time of year, so spend some of that money on presents — you scraping miser — or face the consequences. Yes, we’re talking about the whole “visited by three ghosts on Christmas Eve” scene, but it will be stars rather than ghosts tormenting you in the night. And, they don’t want to help you get that Christmas spirit or anything like that. They’re just mean. Your lucky number this week is 3.
Jul 23-Aug 22
Years ago, your good friend — the great and all-knowing Dr. Zodiac — had an office job. My office job wasn’t bad at all, but it turned wretched at Christmas. Indeed, I worked in a downtown area that was directly across from a restaurant owned by some smartypants who decided to put up loudspeakers and blare Christmas carols throughout the entire month of December. Now, there’s nothing wrong with Christmas carols, but this cat picked the worst ones available. Did we get to hear selections from Bing Crosby’s classic Merry Christmas album? No. I was tormented with that “Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer” song, healthy doses of dogs barking out “Jingle Bells” and every carol warbled out by every modern country artist on the planet (apparently, someone thought it would be amusing to write about Santa Claus coming in a truck, Randolph the Redneck Reindeer spitting Skoal on the rooftop, etc.) What’s the point? You get to deal with the same kind of thing this Christmas season. I feel sorry for you. That’s one of the worst fortunes I’ve seen in some time. Your lucky number this week is Jan. 1.
Aug 23-Sep 22
Ouch. Just get ready — a bad fortune is on it’s way. You will feel compelled to watch Ernest Saves Christmas over and over this year. Watching that holiday classic once a season is fine, but repeatedly? Your friends and family will avoid you this year and worry about your sanity. You’ll worry about your sanity, too, after Christmas is over and you have time to reflect on your obsession. Your lucky number this week is 1988.
Sep 23-Oct 23
Remember when you were a kid and there was that one present you wanted for Christmas? You know the one — the very gift that you’ll remember for all of your days. The one that made your Christmas complete. Well, here’s the bad news — you’ll want something similar this year and you want get it. You’d better save up for it yourself as the stars are out to spoil your fun. Don’t take offense. You didn’t do anything. The stars are just awful like that. Your lucky number this week is $1 at a time.
Oct 24-Nov 21
Libra may have a rotten Christmas in store, but you’ll have a different story to tell. Yes, go ahead and dream big — the stars will see to it that you get just about anything you want. Well, within reason. You’ll not get immortality, become a king, inherit an island paradise or anything that big. Still, you will get something you really want. If you want to have some real fun, go over to the closest Libra and rub his or her nose in it. That, in fact, is exactly what the stars want you to do. Your lucky number this week is infinity.
Nov 22-Dec 21
This is the year Sagittarius! What year? The year that you will perfect the perfect eggnog recipe that has eluded you for decades. Your eggnog will be a hit at your Christmas party and all of your friends will invite you to their parties in hopes that you’ll bring along your secret recipe. Hey, this is some money making stuff, so don’t let go of it. Bottle it, sell it and simply roll in the fortune you’ll make. Enjoy! Your lucky number this week is $19.99 a fifth.
Dec 22-Jan 19
People get sentimental this time of year and you are no exception. Your thoughts will turn to that special someone you were so deeply in love with and you’ll reminisce about all the good times you both had all those Christmases ago. You will wonder if that person thinks of you at all these days. Here’s the bad news — the answer to that question is “no.” Thus sayeth the stars. Time to move on, ace. Your lucky number this week is -1.
Jan 20-Feb 18
You’re going to eat like a wild hog this holiday season. Yes, those tempting, rich holiday treats will just be too tempting this year and you are going to go wacky for them. Sweet potato pie, pumpkin pie, pecan pie (yes, a lot of pies), pecan brittle, turkey and all manner of things will tempt you this season. Feasting like wild is fun while it lasts, but you’ll regret it in the spring. Take it easy (if you can). Your lucky number this week is 2,000 calories.
Feb 19-Mar 20
You are in luck, Pisces. Yes, your Christmas shopping is pretty well done, leaving you the luxury of kicking back and enjoying the holidays. While your friends and neighbors are wasting days on end searching for “just one more thing,” you’ll be snacking high on the food chain, watching your favorite Christmas movies and generally enjoying yourself. Oh, the stars want you to go tell a Libra how happy you are this week. I’m not sure why the stars have it in for Libra right now, but that’s how it is. Your lucky number this week is 25.
Dr. Zodiac is an enigma wrapped in a mystery. Send him an email to firstname.lastname@example.org. If your email is intriguing enough, the good doctor will answer it and we'll print his response here at First Arkansas News.