Horoscope for the week of Dec. 26
The following StarCast is for he week of Dec. 26, but the chances are good that you’re reading it on Christmas day.
That being the case, we at First Arkansas News join Dr. Zodiac in wishing you a very merry Christmas and a happy new year. If you’re reading this after Christmas, well shame on you for not being more punctual but our jolly seasons greetings still apply.
As we turn our attention to the new year, we can’t help but wonder what the stars have in store for us. Dr. Zodiac says the stars are as nasty and ill-tempered as ever and emphasizes caution. He’s not sure why the stars despise us so much, but Dr. Zodiac is certain they do and are determined to turn up the heat a notch or two in 2012 for the sheer, spiteful joy of it all. That said, read on to see what the stars have in store for you as we head toward the new year.
Mar 21-Apr 19
You’ve been found out, Aries. Everyone now knows that you regard both New Year’s Eve and New Year’s Day as a couple of junk, toss-away holidays that are good for little more than an extra day off from work. You cynic, you. Yes, the holiday used to mean a bit more, didn’t it? Remember when you’d go out on New Year’s Eve and drag back home about the first of March? Those days have changed as you’ve gotten older, and perhaps that has resulted in your poopy attitude toward the holiday. Your friends won’t be quite understanding and will regard you as a New Year’s Scrooge — whatever that it. Humbug! Your lucky number this week is 1-1-12.
Apr 20-May 20
You’re another New Year’s Scrooge, aren’t you? The stars have noticed that and have resolved to torment you for it. Now, here’s what weird thing they’re going to do to you. You have read or have seen or are familiar with a Christmas Carol, right? Of course, Charles Dickens put together a charming tale about how an evil miser was converted to by the intervention of three ghosts. You’re going to get a similar visit from three goats on New Year’s Eve and I don’t get the sense that they are meant to cause any change in you at all. No, it seems they’re just meant to annoy you because the stars think that’s funny. Strange. Your lucky number this week is 3.
May 21-Jun 21
Gemini, you’ve always been a bit of a slacker, but you’ll take it to a whole new level this week. Yes, you’ll plan to be good and productive this week, but you can forget about that. Don’t worry too much about it — over half the country will be goofing off at work right along with you this week. You’d better double-down when you show up at work in 2012, however, or you’ll pay dearly for your laziness. Your lucky number this week is 5 p.m.
Jun 22-Jul 22
It’s the same thing every year — you make a pile of New Year’s resolutions and then fail to adhere to them at all. Why don’t you save some time this year by making out your list of resolutions early and then start ignoring them before the new year even arrives? That’s what we call efficiency. Your lucky number this week is 12.
Jul 23-Aug 22
Everyone seems to making predictions this time of year and you are no exception. Will the economy improve? Will your home stop losing value? Will your employer be in a position to finally give you that raise you deserve? You’ll quit pondering those questions one day this week and focus on something more close at hand — that $10 in lunch money you’ll lose. Yes, you’ll swear you stuck it in your wallet before heading out to work, but where did it go? Trying to answer that question will drive you nuts. Be sure to bring a snack to work with you every day this week. You’re going to need it. Your lucky number this week is 10.
Aug 23-Sep 22
You’re going to be stinking rich in the new year, Virgo. Rejoice! Riches beyond your wildest dreams will fall into your lap next year because of a wise investment you’ll make. Yes, I — your good friend Dr. Zodiac — have developed a piece of scientific equipment called the Crystal Ouija Rune Board that I use to help me communicate with the stars. I need a mere $10,000 for a slick, attractive prototype I can show to the likes of Walmart, Target and Sears so they will sell this miracle device to the masses. Write me a check so that you can be an investor and get in on the ground floor of this project. Do it today, Virgo, and you’ll just sit and grin as the money rolls right in. I promise. Your lucky number this week is higher than you can count.
Sep 23-Oct 23
Your neighbor got a new puppy for Christmas and you will learn to hate the thing. It will bark all hours of the day and night and cause one of those chain reactions where every dog in the neighborhood is woofing its head off, thus making sleep next to impossible. Remember — don’t hurt the critter. You’d hate to have the Human Society after you. Buy some earplugs and hope the thing will learn to shut up when it gets older. Your lucky number this week is 2.
Oct 24-Nov 21
I’ve very disappointed in you, Scorpio. The stars tell me that you doubt the accuracy of my StarCasts. I’ve spent literally hours consulting with my Crystal Quija Rune Board and it pains me to think that you doubt the accuracy of my years of work and study. I can promise you this — my StarCasts are as accurate as any horoscope out there. Believe it. Your lucky number this week is 0.
Nov 22-Dec 21
You will feel compelled to start a new hobby in 2012 — you will become obsessed with the game of “hoop and stick.” What is that? It’s great fun — you push a hoop all over the place with a piece of stick. Those who are very good at it can roll a hoop all the way across town and back without breaking a sweat. Yes, that will be an odd obsession, but the stars are strange like that. Your lucky number this week is 10.
Dec 22-Jan 19
Uh-oh. You’ll get pulled into the whole Apple vs. Android debate in 2012. You’ll choose one platform or the other and swear that anyone who chooses differently is an absolute moron. About halfway though the year, you’ll realize the whole debate is meaningless and that you’re acting like a jerk. Enjoy your new phone, but not that much. Your lucky number this week is 5.
Jan 20-Feb 18
I have a mission for you, Aquarius — to help me spread the truth (or, at least, my version of it). There are a lot of people running around claiming the world will end on Dec. 21, 2012. That’s not going to happen, of course, but the “end of the world” fans will need a new date to howl about after nothing happens on Dec. 21. I want to pick that next date so I can get ahead of the pack and, perhaps, write a book. Therefore, I want you to tell everyone you know that the world will end on Pearl Harbor Day in 2013 because you have it on good authority from Dr. Zodiac (you can say I’m a master of the occult or something like that to really sell it) has told you so. Thanks, in advance, for your help. Your lucky number this week is 7.
Feb 19-Mar 20
The phrase for you this week is “mellow jazz.” Why? I’m afraid you’ll have to find that out for yourself as the stars aren’t exactly clear on what that means to you. The stars are often vague, I’m afraid, so that’s the best I can do for you this week. Mellow jazz, mellow jazz. What does it all mean? You tell me. Your lucky number this week is 40.
Benton resident. Rogue journalist. Recovering attorney. Email = Ethan@FirstArkansasNews.net.