Horoscope for the week of Dec. 19
Dr. Zodiac — our in-house psychic, astrologer, master of the occult and general-purpose guru, wanted us at First Arkansas News to convey to our readers his sincere wishes for a wonderful Christmas.
Of course, he says the stars — those ill-tempered celestial beings that don’t at all care for humanity — are out to ruin everybody’s holiday fun. Why? Dr. Zodiac says it’s because they’re mean and that’s what they do. Regardless, the good doctor is here to help. He claims that knowledge is power and that some advance warning about what kind of misery the stars are planning can help us avoid trouble.
Is he right? He certainly thinks to, but bear in mind that Zodiac has never been one to lack confidence. At any rate, read on:
Mar 21-Apr 19
That fellow in the Santa Clause suit you’ll encounter in your kitchen is not jolly old St. Nick. No, he’s a garden variety thief who can be best described as Santa and reverse. Instead of milk and cookies, he’s out for your good jewelry, silverware and whatever he can find to feed his addictions (and he craves something stronger than eggnog, ace). Call the cops and don’t you dare let any of the kids near him. Your lucky number this week is 911.
Apr 20-May 20
You’ve waited until the time is right — the very last minute. Of course, I’m talking about Christmas shopping. What the heck is wrong with you, Taurus. Every year it’s the same thing — you’ll get that shopping done early so you can relax and enjoy the holiday season. You got the relaxing down through November and the better part of December. Now it’s time for some stress. Make a New Year’s resolution to shop early in 2012 and keep it. You’ve missed th boat this year, so lace up those New Balances and jump into the fray. Your lucky number this week is 24.
May 21-Jun 21
You’re a throwback to a better, gentler time, Gemini. You expect a Christmas bonus and some serious time off around the holidays? Here’s the part of the story that Dr. Seuss didn’t want to tell — the Grinch went back to his old, selfish ways and established the model for what we all know and love as American corporate culture. Get used to it, get back to work and learn to be a team player like the other drones — you slacker. Your lucky number this week is 101.
Jun 22-Jul 22
Have you actually seen a chestnut? Do you truly know what one is? If not, why do you have such a strong craving for chestnuts this time of year? If so, why do you have such a strong craving for chestnuts this time of year? I’m often surprised at what the stars tell me about you, Cancer. You’re a strange duck. Your lucky number this week is 1 pound, roasted.
Jul 23-Aug 22
I’m not sure what you did, Leo, but the stars are furious with you this week. Haven’t you learned your lesson? Prisoners may hate their guards, but they typically learn to keep their opinions to themselves. Big Star (the undisputed leader of the stars) tells me he has something special in store for you this week. When I asked him what it was, he chuckled and informed me that he’s not telling because he wants it to be a surprise. Be careful this week. Your lucky number this week is ?.
Aug 23-Sep 22
I’m not sure what the stars are going on about this week, Virgo, because they have asked me to deliver a message to you. You are supposed to buy a couple of pounds of nuts that are still in their shelves and leave them out for the squirrels. That’s right. You have been directed to feed squirrels this week. Now, don’t get sneaky and leave those nuts out as bait for your squirrel-hunting cat or dog. Feed some squirrels and you’ll be fine this week. If you don’t bad things will happen. Your lucky number this week is 2 pounds, unshelled.
Sep 23-Oct 23
Last week was a good one, but this week won’t be. The stars tell me you will be visited by three spirits on Christmas Eve, but they’re not out to help steer you clear of some sorry fate. No, they want to haunt and scare you. I don’t get the sense that they want to do you any harm, but they’re clearly up to no good. Your lucky number this week is 3.
Oct 24-Nov 21
Libra will have ghost problems this week, but you have no sympathy, do you? No, you’ve had a ghost hanging around for some time and it will be particularly visible and annoying this week. What does it want? Oh, just the usual — to wail, moan and generally complain about his fate. You are completely right — that ghost is a spoiled brat. It was probably just as annoying when it was alive. Buy some ear plugs and read a good book until it goes away out of frustration. Your lucky number this week is 36.
Nov 22-Dec 21
That’s about enough out of you, Sagittarius. You’re friends are sick and tired of the whole “yeah, if I were single I would blah, blah, blah” bit every time you see someone the least bit attractive. The stars know what you did when you weren’t married — you sat in that crummy apartment, watched bad television and were generally miserable. Embrace that significant other and shut your mouth. Your lucky number this week is 2.
Dec 22-Jan 19
That puppy you’ll surprise your family with on Christmas morning is a cute little rascal, huh? Keep that in mind when you’re the one walking it, feeding it and potty training it because no one else can be bothered. Oh, your family will coo over it and go nuts, but they’ll be hard to find when it’s time to raise and train the thing. Your lucky number this week is K-9.
Jan 20-Feb 18
This week, you will be come obsessed with a new band — a Monkees cover band. I wasn’t aware there was such a thing, but Big Star (the undisputed ruler of the stars) assures me there is one and you will like it. See? I told you the stars are cruel and there’s your proof. Your lucky number this week is 4.
Feb 19-Mar 20
This one gets my vote for the strangest forecast of the week. You will hatch a plan to take over the local amusement park. It involves running off the patrons by making them believe it’s haunted. Yes, you’ll set it up so that it appears ghosts are flying all over the place, the owners are receiving creepy, otherworldly messages to “get out” and all that jazz. And you’d get away with it, too, had it not been for those meddling kids. Your lucky number this week is 1970.
Benton resident. Rogue journalist. Recovering attorney. Email = Ethan@FirstArkansasNews.net.