Horoscope for the week of Dec. 12
It’s getting very close to Christmas and — by all rights — we ought to be able to enjoy these days and get ready for a well earned celebration on Dec. 25.
In an ideal world things would work that way, at least. Ah, but this isn’t an idea world, is it? We’ve got those pesky stars hanging around and they turn particularly Scrooge-like this time of year. Let me be very clear here — I’m talking about the mean, nasty and hateful scrooge and not the kind, joyful one that had the Christmas spirit scared into him by three ghosts. Think of the stars as a bunch of unreformed Scrooges and you’ll get the idea. Well, there are a couple of differences. There was only one Scrooge and his complete disregard for human beings was nothing compared to how much the stars hate us all. They don’t care much for Christmas, then, and dislike as they won’t put up with any event that causes us to relax and enjoy ourselves. You can count on the stars to be extra nasty these days, so be careful.
Here’s the list of forecasts for the week. Good luck!
Mar 21-Apr 19
When the stars choose to benefit someone, it’s usually out of spite. Yes, Aries, you may expect others to be jealous of you this week as you are due to come into some money. Real money. The big money. You know? You will, however, have to take a small risk to get it by investing some of your hard earned cash. In what will you invest? Simple — the Crystal Ouija Rune Board. That is a piece of scientific equipment that I, your friend Dr. Zodiac — have developed. If I can get a working prototype, I know I can sell it through fine retailers such as Sears, Target and Wal-Mart. I just need about $10,000 to develop a slick prototype as my working model isn’t pretty enough to be taken seriously. Let me know how much money I can put you down for and we’ll both get rich. Your lucky number this week is 10,000.
Apr 20-May 20
Do you know what ruined Richard Nixon? It wasn’t Watergate, but the cover up that was his undoing. Had Nixon admitted that he knew about Watergate and begged for forgiveness, he might have served out his second term and the Republican party might have remained strong enough that it could have helped the nation avoid four miserable years of Jimmy Carter. What’s the point? When you break your family’s favorite Christmas ornament, you need to confess fully. Don’t blame the dog, the bad kid in the neighborhood. Shifting blame is the wimp way, and you don’t want to go down that road, do you?. Your lucky number this week is 1974.
May 21-Jun 21
You might want to get on the stick, Gemini. Waiting until the last minute to buy Christmas gifts is a terrible idea and you should know that. Seriously — running down to that convenience store to pick up gifts at 1 a.m. on Christmas morning was tacky. Off-brand school glue? A 40-ounce bottle of malt liquor? Marlboro reds? Scotch tape? Red Bull and a newspaper? Come on — those are seriously terrible gifts. Don’t repeat that mistake, Gemini. Perhaps you’ll learn some shame one day. Your lucky number this week is $1.99.
Jun 22-Jul 22
Here’s a strange one. You will become obsessed with Johnny Mathis’ “Merry Christmas” album this week. And, when I say obsessed, I mean you will inflict it on everyone know and will threaten to fight anyone who complains about it or doesn’t agree with you that it’s the greatest thing ever. You’ve always had trouble keeping your obsessions in check, but you’ll reach a new level this week with the whole Johnny Mathis thing. Strange. Your lucky number this week is 1958.
Jul 23-Aug 22
As if you didn’t feel old enough already, they had to bring back Beavis and Butthead. You love that show so much you want to tell everyone about it. At some point, you’ll run across some kid in his 20s who has never heard of them, and that will spawn a whole conversation in which you’ll describe a completely foreign world to the youngster — a world in which MTV shows music videos, Beavis and Butthead make up the most edgy duo on television and Republicans and Democrats try to recruit decent candidates to run for president. Your lucky number this week is 1989.
Aug 23-Sep 22
Be wary of pecans this week. Yes, that does sound odd, but let me explain. This is the time of year when people are buying nuts like crazy as it is somewhat traditional to take a nutcracker to them, free them of their shells and enjoy them. Have you ever eaten a bit of pecan shell? It’s dreadful and it is easy to leave a bit of it in a nut you’ve just cracked. The chances are good you’ll chomp on a pecan shell this week if you don’t watch it, so be careful. Your lucky number this week is 71678.
Sep 23-Oct 23
You are actually going to have a great week. We’re talking about Christmas cards from people you haven’t heard from in years, a nice bonus at work and one of the most enjoyable Christmas parties you’ve attended. That all sounds pretty good, doesn’t it? Well, it is great and here’s the thing — I don’t get the sense that the stars are setting you up for anything. You are lucky! Your lucky number this week is $25.
Oct 24-Nov 21
Yes, you thought you were being clever, didn’t you? Columbia House offered you all those CDs for a penny, you took them up on the offer and then didn’t buy another thing from them. That was years ago and you got away with that little scam, didn’t you? Not exactly. Columbia House has tracked you down and that group is downright awful. You’ll need a team of lawyers and thousands of dollars to dig yourself out of this hole. It would have been cheaper to simply honor your agreement, but you always did have to learn things the hard way. Your lucky number this week is 10.
Nov 22-Dec 21
Have you ever seen what happens when someone fries a turkey that’s not completely thawed? The thing shoots out of the fryer like a rocket and God only knows where it will land. Take my advice — don’t fry a turkey this year. The stars are setting you up for disaster. Your lucky number this week is 350 degrees.
Dec 22-Jan 19
No. No. No. They do not want tofu formed in the shape of a turkey for Christmas dinner. Honestly, you’ve got to learn to recognize such nutty ideas for what they are — thoughts put in your head by the stars for the sole purpose of turning people against you. Try to remember that. Tofu turkey. Oh, good grief. Your lucky number this week is 1.
Jan 20-Feb 18
Life is not a movie. In the movies, it is perfectly acceptable for people to break out in song for no good reason. Things don’t work so well out here in the real world. You’ll want to sing loudly at work, in the shower, while walking down the street, in a restaurant and in all sorts of places. Don’t do it. Please don’t. Your lucky number this week is 33.
Feb 19-Mar 20
He sees you when you’re sleeping. He knows when you’re awake. He knows if you’ve been bad or good, but he’s not Santa Claus. No, he’s just some creepy stalker that’s hanging around in the bushes outside your home. Creepy. Call the cops. Your lucky number this week is 911.
Benton resident. Rogue journalist. Recovering attorney. Email = Ethan@FirstArkansasNews.net.