Horoscope for the week of Nov. 7
Here we are smack dab in the middle of fall and Dr. Zodiac tells us that those “summer is over” blahs have hit the stars particularly hard lately.
That’s bad news, of course, because bored stars tend to pick on those who gaze up at them. Don’t get too discouraged — some people will come out well even when the stars are feeling particularly mischievous. Some will be completely ignored by the stars (which is good), others will benefit as the stars like to spite those who are going through tough times (which is better) and there are those who will benefit because they are being set up for a fall (that’s bad).
Sadly, Dr. Zodiac tells us the stars hand out favors, torment and neglect completely at random. There’s no rhyme or reason to what they do, so Dr. Zodiac’s advice is to not fret over it too much. Simply make sure to stop in for his weekly forecasts here at First Arkansas News and then plan your lives accordingly.
Who will be lucky this week and who will be sad and unfortunate? Read on, McDuff.
Mar 21-Apr 19
This is truly a great week to be an Aries. Why? The stars have decided to give you a break this week and bring you some good fortune for a change. Everything you do will turn out right, so take a cue from those Nike ads and just do it. This is one of those rare times when being hit by StarRays is actually a good thing. Yes, your luck will turn around at the stars’ whim, but enjoy what you have while you have it and don’t dwell on that sense of dread that pops up when things are going too well. Your lucky number this week is 7.
Apr 20-May 20
The stars are being particularly vague when it comes to your forecast this week. Here’s what I have so far — the crow flies in square circles, Ty Cobb died a wealthy yet hated man, hiring Josh McDaniels was a mistake, Hitler was a vegetarian, I like Ike and who let the dogs out? I can’t make heads or tails of any of that. Good luck interpreting your forecast this week. Your lucky number this week is ?.
May 21-Jun 21
Your financial woes will come to a head this week. You can do one of two things. You can choose to face your problems head on by sacrificing a bit in the short term to catch up on your obligations and then sticking to a realistic budget. You could also decide to avoid your obligations by making a cape and a mask and living in the woods like a wild, free animal. The choice is yours. Your lucky number this week is 13.
Jun 22-Jul 22
Your job has been a complete and total drag for some time. You can do one of two things — you can either accept that few people enjoy what they do for a living and that’s just how it goes or you can actively seek a career change. While it may seem foolhardy to look for a new job when the economy is rotten and the unemployment rate is through the roof, this could well be the week to make such a change. Stick with a realistic change, however, instead of some childhood fantasy. There’s not a whole lot of profit these days in being a cowboy, circus clown or investment banker. Your lucky number this week is 57.
Jul 23-Aug 22
Wow, Leo! I mean, just plain wow! The stars have lined up for you this week, you lucky soul, and there are a lot of good things in store for you. I see nothing specific in your forecast because the stars are vague like that, but it looks like smooth sailing is in store this week. That being the case, you should take a bit of a risk as you know the chances are good it will pay off for you. I’ve got just the thing in mind. Dr. Zodiac has, of course, invented an advanced piece of scientific equipment called the Crystal Ouija Rune Board that is used to deduce what the stars have in store for us. If I had a polished prototype, I’m sure I could convince Wal-Mart Stores to order millions of them and sell them all over the world. I use my own Crystal Ouija Rune Board, of course, but it’s not too pretty and the public would never buy anything that isn’t slick and attractive. Here’s the problem — I don’t have the money to put together a polished prototype because the stars tricked me into betting my life savings on the wrong horse at Oaklawn. Why don’t you send me some cash, buy into this project and reap the benefits when I hit it big? You won’t regret it. Your lucky this week is $10,000.
Aug 23-Sep 22
Nobody likes a whiner, Virgo, and you’ve been doing your share of high-pitched, self-centered complaining lately Yes, we all know that your smartphone isn’t the newest one available, your car isn’t as snazzy as the new ones coming off the line, your spouse/significant other just doesn’t understand you, your favorite TV show was canceled, etc. Shut up. Here’s some motivation — if you don’t hush, the stars will give you something to whine about. Count on it. Your lucky number this week isn’t as good as someone else’s.
Sep 23-Oct 23
What on earth did you do last week, Libra? The stars have been grumbling about you for the past few days and they’ve got it in for you. There’s this one star — I won’t name it because the stars like their privacy — who is swearing up and down that it’s going to get you this week. Be careful as I see great misfortune for you this week. What can you do about it? Not a thing. Just ride is out and hope that the stars’ hostility will subside by next week. Your lucky number this week is XVII.
Oct 24-Nov 21
Your forecast is a strange one, Scorpio. The stars tell me that you will spend a lot of time watching television. And not even the good stuff — those junk reruns that are the staples of cable and satellite TV. We’re talking about really bad television — The Facts of Life and Diff’rent Strokes bad. I’m not quite sure what to make of that forecast, but I’d say it’s rather neutral. Hey, it could be worse. Just look at what’s in store for Libra this week. Your lucky number this week is six pack.
Nov 22-Dec 21
Here’s another odd forecast. Your friends and coworkers will seek you out and ask your advice this week. You’ll consider yourself wise until you realize they’ve ignored your advice completely. Some of them, strangely, will blame you for dispensing bad advice. If you happen to be a lawyer, psychologist or medical doctor, you’ll consider it business as usual. The rest of you, however, will get your feelings hurt. Your lucky number this week is 1.
Dec 22-Jan 19
The stars have learned that picking on you doesn’t make much of an impact. You’re a cheery sort who’s learned to take a few lumps and go through life smiling in spite of it all. The stars, then, will get to you through family members and things you care about. Your favorite football teams will lose this week while friends and family members will suffer various calamities. The stars want you to know that all that misery is your fault. That’ll show you, Capricorn. Your lucky number this week is 8.59.
Jan 20-Feb 18
You’ll be a bit “off” this week. You’ll struggle to get to work on time and meet business and personal deadlines. Why? The stars have noticed you are proud of your punctuality so they figure the best way to annoy you this week is to deprive you of it. Yes, you’re the cat who shows up early to meetings, got papers done in college well before they were due, etc. You were too smug about it and the stars can’t stand smug. Your lucky number this week should have been 18 but is 19 instead.
Feb 19-Mar 20
When the economy is bad, people tend to cut expenses by taking their beloved household pets and dumping them off somewhere. That’s a terrible thing. Now, here’s what’s worse — those abandoned animals will find their way to your door. What will you do? If you’re a decent sort, you’ll feed and look after those animals until you can find homes for them. If you’re rotten, you’ll shoo the starving critters off and trust that someone else will take care of them. Remember — do the right thing. The stars are watching. Your lucky number this week is K-9.
Dr. Zodiac is an enigma wrapped in a mystery. Send him an email to email@example.com. If your email is intriguing enough, the good doctor will answer it and we'll print his response here at First Arkansas News.