Horoscope for the week of Nov. 28
Did everyone have a great Thanksgiving?
We at First Arkansas News certainly hope so. However, Dr. Zodiac — our resident master of the occult, self-appointed envoy to the stars and general purpose mystic — tells us that there’s trouble in store. Why? It seems the stars don’t want anyone to be thankful for anything but them. That is a bit peculiar when one considers that Dr. Zodiac tells us we should be very afraid of the stars as they enjoy toying with us, but that’s how it goes.
Regardless, Dr. Zodiac says the stars will be acting out of pure spite for the most part this week, so be careful. Yes, some people will benefit, but that’s only because the stars find it amusing to assist some people while tormenting others. Will your luck be good, bad or indifferent this week? Read on and find it out for yourself.
Mar 21-Apr 19
The stars have been angry about something for some time — what they’ve described as our annoying habit to refer to celebrities as “stars.” The undisputed leader of the stars, Big Star, has told me (your good friend Dr. Zodiac) that it is time to make humanity pay for daring refer to mere mortals as stars. They have decided to make an example of Alec Baldwin and the mere fact that everyone else on the planet who is also an Aries will suffer is inconsequential. Why are they picking on Alec Baldwin? Big Star says that he is the most talented actor on the planet and knocking him down a peg or two will serve as a warning. Big Star said the stars concluded Alec Baldwin is the best actor around because he was described as such in Team America: World Police. Believe it or not, that happens to be the stars’ favorite film and they have commented they are amazed that mere mortals could produce such perfection. At any rate, Big Star hasn’t revealed what kind of calamity is in store for Baldwin and everyone else who happens to be an Aries, so be on your guard. Your lucky number this week is 3,635 miles east of America.
Apr 20-May 20
There you go. Some Taurus decided to say something cute this week and now that individual has brought doom to everyone who shares that astrological sign. What did this mouthy Taurus do? He made some joke asking how many stars it takes to screw in a light bulb. The all-seeing, all-knowing stars don’t like ridicule, so they’re going to have a little joke of their own this week. Expect your light bulbs to burn out constantly this week. How many Taurus’ does it take to screw in a light bulb? About half a billion. Your lucky number this week is 60 watt.
May 21-Jun 21
The stars are throwing you a curve ball — two lucky weeks in a row. Yes, it will be like Black Friday all week long for you, Genesis, but in a good one. I mean, you won’t have all those crowds and such willing to fight you for $2 electric choppers at Wal-Mart or anything like that, but you’ll be amazed at how much goes your way and the success you’ll have. Of course, you know the stars are going to help you so that other less fortunate souls will be jealous, but you don’t have time to care about that. Enjoy the good times while they last. Your lucky number this week is 7.
Jun 22-Jul 22
Pig Latin. Yes, Pig Latin. You’re going to be speaking it almost nonstop for the next week because you will suddenly find it hilarious. Your friends and family, meanwhile, will find it more than a bit upidstay and will remind you of that quite a bit. You might tell them you are being influenced by the arsstay and aren’t merely being an erkjay, but they won’t believe you. Good luck. Or, rather, oodgay ucklay. Your lucky number this week is irteenthay.
Jul 23-Aug 22
Wow. You just had to go and put an angel on your Christmas tree this year, didn’t you? The stars have noticed and they’re not happy at all. You are supposed to put a star on your Christmas tree, so as to show your reverence. The stars might not care much for us and regard us as mere playthings for their amusement, but they do like reverence. Until a star tops your tree again, you can expect to be annoyed all week. I’m seeing a pack of cats following you around and yowling at you until your make that correction. Cats? Yes, cats. Strange. Your lucky number this week is 5.
Aug 23-Sep 22
Look out, Virgo! You’d think some people would relax a bit at the holidays and enjoy life, but there are certain people at your job who are plotting twice as hard this year. Why? Your good friend, Dr. Zodiac, once knew a guy who was fired immediately after his company’s Christmas party because some of the people scheming against him thought that was funny. The same fate could be in store for you if you aren’t careful. It’s best to be prepared — loudly confront all those you believe are plotting against you so as to expose their plans in front of everyone. While you might look paranoid, there is the argument an aggressive offense is better than a passive defense. Or, is it the other way around? Your lucky number this week is pink slip.
Sep 23-Oct 23
Ready for a second childhood? You’d better be, because that’s what you will be obsessed with this week. Yes, you’ll miss the subtle charms of childhood and will attempt to recapture those good times by heading to eBay and trying to buy back the toys of your past. Don’t go overboard or you won’t have anything left to cover the bills of your present. Be careful — kids have virtually no responsibilities, but you do. Your lucky number this week is 2600.
Oct 24-Nov 21
You can go ahead and relax, Scorpio. This will actually be a great week for you as all of your technology will work as advertised. That’s right — that cell phone actually will be amazing, your computer’s operating system won’t take a dive on you and everything will essentially work like you expected it to when you bought it. You won’t, for a change, feel like you were cheated by technology companies pushing slick designs to cover up shoddy research and development. Enjoy it while it lasts. Your lucky number this week is 1.
Nov 22-Dec 21
You’ve heard of Pete Best, haven’t you? He was the guy who used to be the drummer for the Beatles, but was replaced by Ringo Starr (you’ll notice Ringo put an extra “r” on the end of his stage name so as not to offend the stars — good move). Ringo and the Beatles went on to fame and fortune, while poor ole Pete — didn’t. What’s the point of this minor history lesson? The stars have decided that you are Pete Best this week. Ouch! Your lucky number this week is 1-2-3-4!
Dec 22-Jan 19
After doing your best to ruin Thanksgiving by pushing for one of those dreadful tofu turkey things, you’ll set your sites on Christmas. Yes, there’s nothing like a guest at a Christmas party chanting “meat is murder” and accosting everyone wearing fur coats to kick off the holidays with a bang, is there? You should have a turkey sandwich and relax. Your lucky number this week — again — is 1 (the loneliest number).
Jan 20-Feb 18
The stars tell me they are ready to play nice this week. They have a very encouraging, bland forecast in store for you so make sure to enjoy it. Big Star reeled off a few lines about how you will conquer a new challenge at work and your friends will seek your sage advice this week. Tame stuff, to be sure, and a rather lazy forecast from the stars, but it whips the socks off of having them torment you, doesn’t it? Your lucky number this week is 777.
Feb 19-Mar 20
Oh, Pisces. Pisces, Pisces, Pisces. You are in more trouble than you realize. Why? Remember on Thanksgiving day when you were offered a piece of sweet potato pie and you turned your nose up at it, saying that it was dreadful and you preferred pumpkin pie? The stars heard that and that’s bad for you as they regard sweet potato pie as one of the finest achievements of the human race. Big Star told me the story of one man who ridiculed sweet potato pie and he paid for it — he dropped dead 40 years later. Just three days after his 100th birthday, in fact. Coincidence? Big Star swears it was not. You’d better change your ways or the same fate may be in store for you. You’d better get busy and learn to love sweet potato pie. Don’t dawdle — you’ve only got about 40 years to change your ways. Your lucky number this week is 40.
Dr. Zodiac is an enigma wrapped in a mystery. Send him an email to firstname.lastname@example.org. If your email is intriguing enough, the good doctor will answer it and we'll print his response here at First Arkansas News.