Horoscope for the week of Nov. 21
Yes, it’s Thanksgiving week and we all know what that means — eating too much with friends and relatives, watching football, Black Friday sales and generally being thankful.
Dr. Zodiac — our resident master of the occult, soothsayer and inventor of the Crystal Ouija Rune Board (he makes us keep plugging that because he’s looking for investors) — tells us that the stars don’t like all this “being thankful stuff” one bit. Why? Dr. Zodiac claims that holidays are distractions that pull us away from our duty of alternating between relying on the stars for good fortune and fearing the terrible things they can do to us. The stars, then, will be good and active this week. Dr. Zodiac says they’ll petulantly torment some people and will benefit others in hopes of creating an atmosphere of jealousy.
So, who will benefit this week and who will be picked on by the stars? Read on and find out for yourself:
Mar 21-Apr 19
This is not a good week to be an Aries. Why? Instead of counting your blessings and realize you have plenty to be thankful for, you’ve carped, complained and generally annoyed the people around you. Your nonstop whining has gotten the attention of the stars and they’ve had it. You want something to cry about? The stars will gladly provide just that. Ouch. Good luck. Your lucky number this week is -32.
Apr 20-May 20
You know for a fact that state lotteries are bad public policy and a rip-off, but that won’t stop you from sinking as much money as you can grab into them this week. Even if you don’t have a state lottery, you’ll be powerless against the urge to hop in your car and drive to a state that does offer its citizens to throw their money away at will. You probably won’t win a dime, of course. Even if you do strike it rich, taxes and persuasive relatives will make sure you’re left with nothing. Your lucky number this week is actually a set of them that was chosen by someone else.
May 21-Jun 21
You’re actually in for a pretty good week, Genesis. You’ll take a risk or two that will pay off and will be the life of the party on Thanksgiving. While you will be fully aware that the good things happening to you are only going down because the stars want to use you to make someone else jealous, you’ll enjoy the good times while they last. Your lucky number this week is pretty much all of them.
Jun 22-Jul 22
Cancer, I can’t help but say I’m impressed with you. I didn’t know you had it in you. What am I talking about? Oh, you know exactly what got me started. The stars tell me that you are going to dedicate a significant part of Thanksgiving to helping the less fortunate. Perhaps you’ll deliver some Thanksgiving meals, make a large donation to your church to help out those in your community, serve lunch in a homeless shelter or do something else equally selfless. Now, don’t go getting a big head. Don’t go around saying things like, “Look at me! Look how cool and generous Cancer is! Why, this world would be better off if only it was eaten up with Cancer.” The stars are watching and they’ll torment you if they think you’re bragging about your sudden interest in charity. Your lucky number this week is alms.
Jul 23-Aug 22
The economy is bad, so you’ll hope to save a few bucks by hitting the Black Friday sales after Thanksgiving so you can pick up some Christmas gifts at great prices. Indeed, you will spend all of Thanksgiving in a parking lot, waiting for your favorite store to open so you can get in and grab your bargains first. That’s right — you will miss Thanksgiving for the sake of saving a buck or two. Logically, that might not make much sense. However, you’ll do it. Your lucky number this week is 25 percent off.
Aug 23-Sep 22
Oh, Virgo — a wave of nostalgia will hit you this holiday season. You’ll recall those great Thanksgivings and Christmases of your youth. You’ll recall some of those great gifts, like maybe that 1978 Tudor Electric Super Bowl set featuring your favorite team, the Denver Broncos. Yes, you loved that toy and you left it with your parents when you went to college for safekeeping. But, did they keep it? No. They lost it! A part of your youth — just gone. Sad story. At any rate, make sure you dwell on the good things about those holidays gone by while avoiding the uncomfortable memories (such as your missing 1978 Tudor Electric Football set). Dwell on the positive or you’ll go nuts. Your lucky number this week is 27-10.
Sep 23-Oct 23
This week you will take a close look at some of your holiday traditions and question them. Why does your grandmother insist on watching the Macy’s Day Parade? Why does she cook turkey the night before Thanksgiving, slap it in the refrigerator and serve everyone cold turkey? Maybe your grandmother doesn’t do those things, but you get the idea — you’ll start questioning traditions. Keep such questions to yourself. No one likes a reformer on Thanksgiving. Your lucky number this week is 1621.
Oct 24-Nov 21
You’re in for an eventful holiday full of calamity, but the role your play is entirely up to you. Will you be the guy who gets smashed on malt liquor on Thanksgiving and becomes a menace on the road, or will you be the cat bailing your drunken uncle out of jail? Will you be the one to get into a screaming fight with your spouse on the front lawn, or will you be the concerned neighbor calling the cops on the alcohol-fueled, fighting couple across the street? The choice is yours. Your lucky number this 1492.
Nov 22-Dec 21
A few years ago, your friend Dr. Zodiac asked a friend how his Thanksgiving went. He sighed and told me a story. It seems he went home for the holiday and was looking forward to his dad’s fried turkey. His father, see, has spent years developing a special sort of rub to put on the turkey that turns that bird into a thing of tasty perfection after it’s fried. His mother, however, didn’t understand the subtle charms of a well seasoned turkey skin, so she peeled it off and threw it to her dog before serving the turkey. “And, there it was — the dog was eating the best part of the turkey!” My friend never quite got over that bit of Thanksgiving horror. He doesn’t cry when he talks about it these days, but he still gets angry. You’ll have a similar story to tell after this year’s holiday. Sad, but true. Your lucky number this week is No. 13, hold the skin.
Dec 22-Jan 19
Jeepers. Another reformer. You will decide that eating turkey is cruel and push for a meatless Thanksgiving meal. Choking down bean sprouts and tofu instead of holiday favorites. Who wouldn’t be excited by that? Your relatives won’t be excited and you may get tossed out on the front lawn. If you can manage it, keep your thoughts and opinions to yourself. You’ll enjoy the holidays more. Your lucky number this week is 1 (the loneliest number).
Jan 20-Feb 18
Stay away from Aries this week because everyone afflicted with that sign is being a jerk. Yes, Aries is annoying everyone this week, but you’re particularly susceptible. But, then again, you’ve never really gotten along with Aries, have you? If you can keep away from Aries, it will be a good week. If not, you’re liable to get into a fist fight. You have been warned. Your lucky number this week is random.
Feb 19-Mar 20
No, you are completely wrong. That song about grandma getting run over by a reindeer doesn’t become funnier every year, and your relatives will remind you of that after you play it about a dozen times at your Thanksgiving feast. Give it a rest, Pisces. Now, on the other hand, watching Holiday Inn (that great film starring Bing Crosby and Fred Astaire) over and over again is perfectly acceptable. You are even allowed to tell your relatives they are being too loud when you are making them watch it. Give it a try. You’ll be popular. Trust me. Your lucky number this week is 1942.
Dr. Zodiac is an enigma wrapped in a mystery. Send him an email to email@example.com. If your email is intriguing enough, the good doctor will answer it and we'll print his response here at First Arkansas News.