Horoscope for the week of Nov. 14
Yay! It’s the holiday season!
Thanksgiving is just around the corner, Christmas will he here soon and people all over the nation are planning to spend some time with friends and family. Yes, it’s a great time of the year, indeed, and there are countless Americans (and, indeed, people around the globe) who claim that Christmas is somewhat magical and approaching the holiday fills them with gladness. And, no, I haven’t forgotten about you, Hannukah. At any rate, people are gearing up to relax and enjoy themselves.
The stars don’t like that one bit.
Dr. Zodiac — our resident astrologer, master of the occult and all around swell guy — tells us the stars are getting tired of all that seasonal cheer and are going torment billions of people out of pure spite. That’s not good. Just remember — we at First Arkansas News are only the messengers.
So, what will the stars do this week? Will they harass you, leave you alone or help you? Dr. Zodiac tells us that some people will be quite fortunate this week as the stars like to stack the deck that way — those who are suffering will resent those who are not, and the stars think that’s funny. Read on for Dr. Zodiac’s forecast.
Mar 21-Apr 19
You went overboard for Halloween this year and decided to make a costume that would reveal your “true self.” You found the whole affair liberating and decided to dress as your “true self” every single day of the year as an expression of how great you are. The stars have a message for you, Aries — stop it because you look like an idiot dressed up that way when it’s not Halloween. Change your ways or the stars will heap enough ridicule on you to choke a horse. Your lucky number this week is 31.
Apr 20-May 20
If you’re not careful this week, your hobbies will overtake you and you’ll start getting some fool notion about turning one of them into a startup business. The stars warn against such nonsense as there are enough hungry guitarists, bicycle repairmen, vintage video game console resellers and novelists in the world. Get back to work and stop daydreaming. Your lucky number this week is Chapter 11.
May 21-Jun 21
You dodged a bullet this week, Gemini. Instead of getting together and deciding what the coming week should have in store for you, the stars got distracted. Yes, it seems the one known to me only as Big Star became obsessed with an earther and wanted to be close to her all the time. His magical StarRays shined on her constantly and brought her nothing but good fortune, and that really got the stars in an uproar. Some stars were getting ready to drop the hammer on you this week, but they spent a lot of time passing judgment on Big Star in the Star Chamber. His loss is your gain, so relax and enjoy the week. Your lucky number this week is 9,756.
Jun 22-Jul 22
You will be plagued with minor annoyances all week long. You may run out of batteries at a bad time, run over your cell phone with your car, suffer a dog bite or have that relative you can’t stand stop in to visit for a few hours (or days). Cheer up — things could be worse. A lot worse. Your lucky number this week is 96.
Jul 23-Aug 22
The forecast for you this week is a strange one, Leo. The stars tell me that you will develop an obsession with soccer that could potentially harm personal relationships and your career. That actually makes sense. I always wondered why people watched bowling, soccer, pool, tennis, golf, swimming or any of those other sports that are fun to play but dull as dirt on television. The stars are behind it all! Sneaky, sneaky stars. Your lucky this week is 1-0.
Aug 23-Sep 22
You know that fantasy you’ve had about running into that long, lost love? This is the week that will happen, Virgo. Don’t get all happy just yet because you are going to be disappointed — that lost love will prove to be a three-time loser. The kind of person who would have dragged you down with him or her had you not parted ways years ago. There are times when the fantasy is far superior to the reality and this is one of those times. Your lucky number this week is 666.
Sep 23-Oct 23
What do a light bulb, a dog, a picture of Patton and a Bowie knife have in common? I don’t know either, but all of these elements are present in your forecast for the week. The stars like to mess with ole Dr. Zodiac and I do believe they are doing that now. The stars think they’re funny, see, but we know better, don’t we? At any rate, good luck interpreting your forecast. Maybe the stars will be more clear next week. Still, it wouldn’t be a terrible idea to avoid light bulbs, dogs, Patton and knives entirely this week. You don’t want to take too many chances, do you? Your lucky number this week is II.
Oct 24-Nov 21
Yes, it’s one of those “barrel” weeks for you. Don’t feel bad, Scorpio — everyone gets some time in the barrel it’s your turn. You shouldn’t be too surprised — if their are only 12 signs in the zodiac and everyone draws a bad turn at some point, the odds dictate that you’ll have a bad week fairly often. And, yes, this coming one will be bad for you. The stars aren’t specific about what fun they have in store for you, but you’ve drawn the barrel and that’s never good. Keep your head down and stay on your toes (both at the same time, even). Your lucky number this 7734.
Nov 22-Dec 21
Do you like animals? You’d better because they’re going to like you this week. Yes, they’ll follow you home, mob you when you go to your car, etc. If it’s got four legs and fur, it will take a liking to you this week. You’ll be kind of like Aquaman, only without the water, the ability to talk to animals or the connections to mythology. Other than those few details, you’ll be exactly like Aquaman. Your lucky number this week is K-9.
Dec 22-Jan 19
They say one should avoid discussing politics and religion with people who don’t agree with you. You’ll throw caution to the wind and discuss both — at the same time — with a lot of people this week. To make matters worse, you’ll in sports, too, in your dazzling attempt to really annoy people. If you wind up with a black eye, just remember that the stars are to blame. Good luck. Your lucky number this week is electoral college.
Jan 20-Feb 18
You’re a fickle one, for sure and certain. When daylight savings time is in play, you gripe about how much better you like standard time. Now that we’re back on standard time, you’ll complain about how much better daylight savings time is. Make up your mind, huh? Remember — there’s only one time zone in China, so think about how confusing that can be. Your lucky number this week is fall back.
Feb 19-Mar 20
You will latch on to every fad you can find this week and that could cost you some money. Plus, you’ll realize one day you don’t have much to show for your decision to indulge your obsessions. Just think how dumb all those people felt who purchased pet rocks and those singing bass things after the novelty wore off and the popularity of those items waned. That’ll be you in a few weeks. Your lucky number this week is $19.99.
Dr. Zodiac is an enigma wrapped in a mystery. Send him an email to email@example.com. If your email is intriguing enough, the good doctor will answer it and we'll print his response here at First Arkansas News.