Horoscope for the week of Oct. 31
It’s Halloween and our resident astrologer, Dr. Zodiac, tells us the stars have been extra feisty this week.
While we’re not quite sure what stars have to do with ghosts, goblins and all that other stuff that comes with Halloween, Dr. Zodiac says the stars have a lot of influence over the Spirit World (emphasis his). Hey, he claims to be an accomplished astrologer, master of the occult and general smart guy when it comes to otherworldly things, so we’ll take his word for it. Besides, he told us when he agreed to submit his weekly astrology reports that he’d have a witch doctor put a hex on us if we ever questioned him. We’d like to steer clear of that unpleasantness.
Now, here’s a warning — some of Dr. Zodiac’s insights are a touch on the grim side this week. Those who are prone to excessive worry when they feel they are doomed may want to take a vacation from Dr. Zodiac this week. Ah, but it’s just as we suspected, isn’t it? You just can’t help it — you’ve got to keep reading as you must know what the week has in store for you. Good luck, bucky. Here we go.
Mar 21-Apr 19
You’re a cheapskate, Aries. Don’t deny it. We all know it and so do the stars. You love the terrible economy because you believe your frugal habits are now regarded as wise and trendy. Well, the stars have a warning for you this week — don’t skimp on the Halloween candy or something terrible may happen to you. The stars weren’t specific on what horrible thing could be in store, but they did say that you won’t like it. Nope. Not one bit. Avoid those nasty peanut butter taffy things or those weird coconut logs and buy something good for the trick-or-treaters. Your lucky number this week is 13.
Apr 20-May 20
Don’t look now, but that ghost is back again. Well, you never really noticed the ghost was missing because you were never aware of that tormented soul when it wandered through your house for all those years. Why? The ghost never really did anything. No other-worldly howling, no startling appearances — nothing. The ghost was — and remains — harmless and doesn’t wish to frighten, startle or harm you. It is pretty polite as ghosts go. Regardless, the ghost is back. Think about that when you’re trying to go to sleep. Oh, and remember that Dr. Zodiac has a ghost busting business on the side. Want to get rid of your harmless ghost just for the heck of it? Who you gonna call? Your lucky number this week is 11+2.
May 21-Jun 21
You will take advantage of Halloween by running around the neighborhood and causing trouble. Maybe you’ll steal some jack-o’-lanterns or ring a few door bells and run off giggling in the night. How you make mischief is up to you, but you’ll be a menace on Halloween night as the stars have decreed it and you are powerless to resist. Since you are a Gemini and rely on that whole twin thing when convenient, you’ll claim that your Doppelganger is responsible. The police and your neighbors will not be convinced. Your lucky number this week is 26.
Jun 22-Jul 22
Last week was rough, but it’s over with and it’s time to relax, right? No. No it is not time to relax. You’re in for a bad week as neighborhood kids will egg your house, throw toilet paper in your trees and generally aggravate you beyond measure. And all that will happen on Halloween. The really bad stuff starts on Nov. 1. Your lucky number this week is thirteen.
Jul 23-Aug 22
I once knew a drunk guy who thought it would be cool to put a bunch of pure grain alcohol in his mouth, spit it at a cigarette lighter and make fireballs just like Gene Simmons from KISS. It was all good fun until he caught his arm on fire. What does this have to do with your fortune? You’ll do something this week that seems like a good idea at first and then turns into a complete disaster. The drunk guy I mentioned wasn’t hurt much as the result of his stunt. I hope you are as lucky. Your lucky number this week is 911.
Aug 23-Sep 22
This is actually going to be a pretty good week for you. I honestly don’t see any real trouble on the horizon at all. The stars that usually pick on you this week will be distracted as they argue over which one will go nova first. You get a pass this week, Virgo, so count your lucky stars (pun intended). You might want to take up a hobby or something as you’ll find yourself with plenty of time on your hands. Your lucky number this week is Pennsylvania 6-5000.
Sep 23-Oct 23
You’ve seen It’s the Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown. If not, you’d better go watch it. Why? It’s very appropriate to your forecast this week. Charlie Brown, see, had great plans in that classic cartoon, went trick-or-treating and wound up with a sack full of rocks. You’re Charlie Brown this week and you’ll wind up with a sack of rocks regardless of what you do. No, I’m not engaging in some high-minded symbolism here — you’ll literally wind up with a sack of rocks this week. That’s great news if you were planning a rock garden, but kind of a letdown otherwise . Your lucky number this week is 13.
Oct 24-Nov 21
You’ve been a Halloween Scrooge for as long as you can remember. “Halloween? Bah! Humbug!” You’ve refused to give out candy and have yelled like a grumpy old coot at trick-or-treating kids who wandered across your yard while out celebrating the holiday. Because of your surly and uncharitable ways, you will be visited by three ghosts who will reveal to you the true meaning of Halloween. Your generosity will overflow and you’ll make up for all the Halloweens you’ve wasted. Starting next year. Your lucky number this week is 3 (and, remember — that’s also the *magic* number).
Nov 22-Dec 21
Scorpio may be a Halloween Scrooge, but you’ve gone the other way entirely. In fact, you are firmly convinced that Halloween — not Christmas — is the most wonderful time of the year. Trick-or-treaters love you to pieces and your neighbors think you’re weird because of all the decorations. Meanwhile, you’re spending yourself into bankruptcy on Halloween decorations and costumes. Tone it down some, huh? The rest of us can’t compete. Your lucky number this week is 13.
Dec 22-Jan 19
While practically everyone you know is whooping it up and enjoying Halloween, you’ll be at home asking some of life’s toughest questions. What is wisdom? What is truth? Why are you here? What is Dr. Zodiac so great? You will get no closer to answering those questions than you were when the week started. Except for the question about Dr. Zodiac, but you already know the answer to that one, don’t you? Your lucky number this week is infinity.
Jan 20-Feb 18
You were warned, Aquarius. The stars took it easy on you last week, but they are now ready to give you what-for. Why? Because the stars are mean like that. It’s nothing personal. The stars don’t care too much for you or anything else and it just so happens they’re going to beat up on you for their amusement this week. What will they do to you? They’re still working on that but it’s clear that you won’t have a whole lot of fun for the next few days. By the way, if you wrap aluminum foil around your head, that will help some as it can deflect some of their StarRays. Make sure you appear out in public a lot with your foil hat on, too, because I think that will be funny. Your lucky number this week is 13.
Feb 19-Mar 20
Pisces, you are lucky. This will be the second great week in a row for you and that, my friend, is rare. Everything you do will come out right so take some gambles this week. Well, your luck will hold unless the stars decided on a whim to torment you. That doesn’t happen very much, but things could turn out that way because the stars are, well, devious like that. Your lucky number this week is 867-5309.
Dr. Zodiac is an enigma wrapped in a mystery. Send him an email to firstname.lastname@example.org. If your email is intriguing enough, the good doctor will answer it and we'll print his response here at First Arkansas News.