Horoscope for the week of Oct. 24
Were you able to steer clear of trouble with the guidance of Dr. Zodiac last week?
If so, you’ll be glad to know that Dr. Zodiac has — as promised — mysteriously sent another horoscope to First Arkansas News so that our readers may benefit from his sage advice. If not, then here’s your chance to take Dr. Zodiak’s words of wisdom to heart. It would, after all, be a pity for Dr. Zodiak to take time from his busy schedule to dispense advice that is ignored, wouldn’t it?
And, yes, Dr. Zodiak works hard. He’s had a long week as the stars have been particularly chatty with him over the past few days (or so he says). It’s all worth it, he says, as his weekly supply of metaphysical knowledge will help all those who listen. We’re just lucky he works so cheap (well, he works for free as he’s a volunteer, but we appreciate him regardless).
Remember — Dr. Zodiac’s horoscope is updated every weekend, so make sure to stop by for the latest glimpse into the future. Let’s get to it.
Mar 21-Apr 19
Your word for the week is “productivity.” You’ve been slacking off lately, Aries, and everyone knows it. Unfortunately for you, the stars also know it and they’ve decided to do something about it. Here’s the deal — you either get up and do something productive or the stars will see to it that you are financially ruined. You don’t want that, do you? What can you do to be productive? Here’s a hint — reading horoscopes (except for this one) is considered goofing off and should be avoided. So, quit messing around on the Internet and get busy — or else. Your lucky number this week is Chapter 13.
Apr 20-May 20
Did you ever get the feeling you were being watched? You look around and don’t see anyone haunting your footsteps, but the feeling remains. You’ll have that feeling time and time again this week and there’s a reason for that — you’ve got a stalker. While your stalker probably isn’t dangerous, why take chances? You have no choice but to call the police on everyone you suspect of being a stalker — you know, anyone who just looks suspicious. Keep that cell phone handy this week and you might want to keep an attorney on retainer, too. Your lucky number this week is 911.
May 21-Jun 21
This week you will have dinner with your parents. Yes, you’re all grown up and regard your mom and dad more as close friends than authority figures these days, but be careful. No matter how friendly your parents seem, they certainly do not want to hear about all the stuff you got away with in your youth while you were living under their roof. Chatting along too much will result in a crying mother and a vastly reduced inheritance. Your lucky number this week is the year you graduated from high school.
Jun 22-Jul 22
Be careful this week as the stars have decided to harass you without mercy. Don’t take it personally — the stars just like to mess with people from time to time and it’s your turn in the barrel. If it can go wrong this week, it will, so avoid anything the least bit risky. Your lucky number this week is snake eyes.
Jul 23-Aug 22
Think of your least favorite pop artist from the past or present. Guess what — that group or individual will blare at you every time you turn on your radio this week. Every. Single. Time. It gets worse, ace. That grating artist will be all over television this week, will follow you around on the Internet and will even be heard at a friend’s house should you happen to stop in for a visit. Frankly, I feel sorry for you. This is one of the worst forecasts available, but we all have to suffer through it at some point. Your lucky number this week is #1 with a bullet.
Aug 23-Sep 22
Uh-uh. This will not be a good week for you, Virgo. The stars have decreed that something terrible is to happen to you, so take my advice and don’t leave your house Well, there are exceptions. It’s OK to leave your house to go to work or school. If there’s a family emergency, you can also leave your house. If you have a business meeting it’s OK to leave home and the same goes for seeing a movie or going to dinner. If you need groceries, clothes or other various items, you can also leave your house. If you’ve been planning a vacation, you can leave the house, and the same goes for all business or leisure travel. Going to a sporting event is fine, too, as is hopping in your car and taking a drive for the heck of it. It’s also OK to go to church. Heading up town to pay some bills, go to the bank, pay taxes, tag your car, etc. are fine. If you have a date, it’s OK to go on that. Aside from those circumstances, you should stay home. Your lucky number this week is 9.5.
Sep 23-Oct 23
Technology is your enemy this week. Specifically, updating an operating system or application on any computer or mobile device will result in disaster. Haven’t yet grabbed iOS 5 for your Apple iPhone yet? You’d better wait a week. Turn off those Microsoft automatic updates for your computer, too, and loading new virus definitions will be the ultimate in irony as you’ll get a system-killing trojan almost immediately. Quit looking so smug, Linux users, as you are are not immune from this miserable forecast. Your lucky number this week is 11.10.
Oct 24-Nov 21
You know the recurring nightmare that causes you to sigh in relief when you wake up from it when you realize it was all just a dream? Well, it won’t be a dream this week, ace. That mildly unsettling nightmare will come true, so expect to find yourself out in the public in your underwear, being surprised with a test that will make up at least 50 percent of your grade, being questioned for the police for a crime you didn’t commit, finding yourself back in that horrible career you ran screaming from years ago, etc. Your truly horrifying nightmares won’t come true, but those uncomfortable ones that gnaw at you will. I’m not sure which is worse. Your lucky number this week is 3 a.m.
Nov 22-Dec 21
I’m not sure what this is about, but the stars are very clear on it. You will discover the subtle joys of the haiku this week and you’ll run around writing a lot of them and marveling at how clever you can be with such a limited amount of syllables. If you stop there, that’s great. However, the stars suggest that you will pester your friends and family by reading one haiku after another to them. They will hate you for it. Your lucky number this week is 5-7-5.
Dec 22-Jan 19
Oh, Capricorn. You’re in for a rotten week. You’ll hear a commercial jingle and it will get stuck in your head. Just when you think you’ve gotten the jingle out of your head, it will come back twice as strong. Worse things could happen, but this forecast is particularly annoying for those who have to suffer through it. Your lucky number this week is $5 footlongs.
Jan 20-Feb 18
This will be a serene week for you. It’s unlikely that anything fantastic will happen, but it doesn’t appear that bad fortune is heading your way, either. In essence, the stars have decided to completely ignore you this week and that’s not an altogether bad thing. Now, here’s the bad news — next week will be awful, so enjoy your calm in the storm while it lasts. The sneaky stars are lulling you into a sense of complacency so you’ll be caught off guard when they bring down the hammer. Your lucky number this week is 90210.
Feb 19-Mar 20
Rejoice, Pisces! It’s smooth sailing for you this week. You have found favor with the stars and they will use their mystical powers to make all of your dreams come true. Well, not all of them. They’ll probably just allow one dream to come true (I never claimed the stars are generous) and the chances are good that it will be a minor one, such as getting a month ahead on your bills or something similar. Hey, it’s something, right? Your lucky number this week is half full (or half empty if you are a pessimist).
Dr. Zodiac is an enigma wrapped in a mystery. Send him an email to firstname.lastname@example.org. If your email is intriguing enough, the good doctor will answer it and we'll print his response here at First Arkansas News.