Horoscope for the week of Oct. 17
As part of the ongoing efforts to make weekends a bit more fun around here, we at First Arkansas News have retained the services of Dr. Zodiac, a self-described astrologer, diviner and master of the Spirit World (the capitalizations are his).
We don’t know a whole lot about Dr. Zodiac. We don’t even have a photograph of him, in fact, as he swears that allowing a camera to capture his image would result in his soul being sent to some very unpleasant alternate plane. He did send us a line drawing of himself (it may or may not be accurate as we’ve never met the man) and has sworn to send us horoscopes every weekend so that our loyal readers may benefit from his guidance.
We’ll update these on Sundays, so make sure to check back every weekend so as to avoid trouble when Monday morning arrives and its time to get back to the grind.
Mar 21-Apr 19
I’m not sure what you did, Aries, but the stars are very, very angry at you. I don’t believe I’ve ever seen them this angry. Especially that one star. Wow! Watch your step this week, Aries, and it might not be a bad idea to avoid going out at night entirely. Your lucky number this week is -32.
Apr 20-May 20
While on your quest for knowledge, you’ll stop in at a Chinese restaurant for a meal as all that questing is tiring. While there, you will open a fortune cookie, read the fortune within and be impressed when the vague bit of wisdom contained on it proves true later in the day. You will be tempted to abandon horoscopes for fortune cookies, but don’t do it. Those things are vague, whereas astrology is an exact science. Stay strong and always rely on your friends in astrology. We’d never steer you wrong. We promise. Your lucky number this week is #19 (but don’t eat the peppers — they’re a lot hotter than you think).
May 21-Jun 21
Every decision you make this week will be wrong. Completely wrong. Terribly wrong. Wrong, wrong, wrong. The only logical strategy you can pursue is to take pains to do exactly the opposite of what you decided. Of course, that may be exactly what the stars want you to do, thus rendering that corrective decision the wrong one the stars predicted in the first place. Then again, it could be that the first decision was the wrong one and the opposite of it will be the correct one to make. What should you do? You’re on your own, ace. Those stars are tricky. Your lucky number this week is 13.
Jun 22-Jul 22
You will, this week, take your lucky number to heart. You got a lucky number! You got a lucky number! Will it bring you riches in the lottery? Will it somehow correspond to an unexpected check showing up in the mail? What could happen? Wait a minute. There are approximately 6.97 billion people on the planet and only 12 symbols in the Zodiac, meaning over half a billion people share your lucky number. Kind of dilutes it, doesn’t it? Your lucky number this week is 7 (not that it will do you any good).
Jul 23-Aug 22
An old love will come back into your life this week. Good news? Not really. You’ll soon discover that old love is lonely, miserable and has remembered that he or she was only happy while tormenting you. Yes, that old love will seek you out to finish the job started while you were together. Take my advice — run. Your lucky number this week is n/a.
Aug 23-Sep 22
I’m not going to lie to you — this will be a horrible week, Virgo. How bad? Bankruptcy, scandal, a cheating spouse, the loss of a job and all sorts of terrible things are in store for you this week. Wait a minute. Uh-oh. It seems Dr. Zodiak saw too far in the future. Your terrible, life altering week will come later. This week will actually be pretty good for you — phone calls from old friends, unexpected money showing up and the like. Enjoy it while you can. Your lucky number this week is 22.
Sep 23-Oct 23
This is your week, Libra. The stars have all lined up and they are shining right on you, ace. If you’ve dreamed about it, this is the week to do it. You’ll be one lucky soul this week and everything you do will turn out even better than you’d hoped. Want to have some real fun? Go find those poor slobs who aren’t Libras and rub their faces in your good fortune. You don’t have a lucky number this week — just put it all on red, spin that wheel and get paid.
Oct 24-Nov 21
Watch your back, Scorpio — every Cancer on the planet is against you this week. Dr. Zodiac is well aware of how odd that is, seeing how similar your astrological signs are. It seems the stars appreciate irony. At any rate, stay away from every Cancer you can as the one or two meant to bring you bad tidings may not even be aware of their potential to cause you grief. It could be your spouse, child, mother, father, cousin, aunt, best friend or anyone else — they’re being guided by the stars and they’ll have no choice but to obey. Even if they won’t understand what motivates you, stay away from those Cancers and explain yourself next week after the danger has passed. I’m totally serious — avoid them like cancer. Your lucky number this week is 3.14159265.
Nov 22-Dec 21
This isn’t your week, Sagittarius. Your outlook is so dreadful that I felt it my duty to check it again. I consulted star charts, looked through my telescope and even did some research with the Crystal Ouija Rune Board (a piece of scientific equipment of my own invention which I hope to soon see on sale at Wal-Mart Stores throughout the nation). Sadly, you will be plagued with salesmen all week long. Do you know why God never sent a plague of salesmen? Because he’s a merciful God, that’s why. The stars aren’t merciful. You will be pestered on the phone, at your home and at your office. Just get ready. Here’s a word of advice. It may be tempting to punch a salesman dead in the face and watch him go down like Monica, but don’t do it — you can bet the stars will have called the cops on you. Your lucky number this week equals the price of your favorite fifth of bourbon. You’re going to need it.
Dec 22-Jan 19
Yeah, I know. You don’t believe in ghosts. However, that ghost that haunts your house believes in you and that is a problem. You can not believe in that tormented soul all you want, but that doesn’t make it any easier to sleep while he’s wailing at the top of his ghostly lungs at 3 a.m., does it? Fortunately, Dr. Zodiac believes in ghosts and I do have my own ghost busting business. Look at it this way — you can still not believe in ghosts and simply pay me to get rid of the unpleasant noises that haunt your dreams and keep you up at night. Who you gonna call? Your lucky number this week is exactly equal to your life savings.
Jan 20-Feb 18
Arguing over politics, religion or sports with people who don’t share your views is never a good idea. Fighting over all three of those topics at the same time is a terrible idea, but that’s exactly what’s in store for you this week, Aquarius. Why would you do something so stupid? Because that’s what the stars want and you are merely a puppet for their amusement. Here’s some advice — hang around this week with people you can easily handle in a fist fight. Your lucky number this week is 3.
Feb 19-Mar 20
You think you’re pretty cool, don’t you Pisces? Don’t deny it. You’ve been strutting around like a blasted peacock for some time now and we all know it. The stars know it, too, and they’ve decided to take you down a peg or two this week. How will they do that? By spreading ridiculous rumors about you that contain not the slightest shred of truth, but are just the kinds of things that people who have grown sick of your bragging will love to hear and believe. Get ready. If you happen to see your friends standing around and laughing, it’s not paranoia that’s made you assume they are making fun of you. Your number is up this week, pal.
Dr. Zodiac is an enigma wrapped in a mystery. Send him an email to firstname.lastname@example.org. If your email is intriguing enough, the good doctor will answer it and we'll print his response here at First Arkansas News.