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Home » Arts & Entertainment, Book reviews

Screech is a jerk

By: 6 May 2010 One Comment

Every now and again, I’m tempted to watch a horrible movie, see a bad television show or read an awful book just to see how rotten it is.

Such is the case with Behind the Bell, an alleged tell-all book cranked out in (evidently) about a weekend by Dustin Diamond. Diamond, of course, portrayed Screech in the lightweight (yet popular) Saved by the Bell series that ran on NBC from 1989 to 1993 prior to morphing into the pitiful Saved by the Bell: The College Years (that turkey lasted a year)  and, finally, Saved by the Bell: The New Class.

The whole franchise was put out of its misery (and indeed, ours) in 2000. Diamond remained with the show until the bitter end and really hasn’t had much of a career since (unless you consider being obnoxious on Celebrity Fit Club, beating up Arnold Horshack on that dreadful Celebrity Boxing show and leaking a sex tape as a publicity stunt to be true resume boosters).

The reviews I read of the book almost uniformly that Diamond came across as jealous, bitter, petty, rambling and without a bit of literary talent. All that is true, but there’s so much more to hate about this book. Diamond’s credibility throughout that mess is questionable at best and — perhaps worse — the book is amazingly boring. Of course, whining bouts of self-pity are often boring to all but the person who is sulking and telling people how sad he is.

Most people throwing a tantrum-laced pity parties don’t have the ability to swing a book deal so they can let society know what’s bothering them. Diamond — being a minor celebrity — is an exception to that rule. Yes, he put together a novel and inflicted it on the nation. Lucky us.

Apparently, Diamond put this book together to raise some cash because he’s flat broke.  When you mix two parts broke with three parts angry, you’ll get a terrible book just about every time. Add to that mix a lot of obscenities, accusations based on hearsay and an infantile grasp of grammar and you’ve got a book that’s simply unpleasant.

Diamond claims this is a tell-all book that will reveal the sexual exploits, drug abuse and all around bad behavior in which the cast of Saved by the Bell engaged. The problem is that Diamond comes across as a jerk throughout most of the book and it’s clear that he disliked his costars and they disliked him. Therefore he wasn’t really a witness to anything because it appears no one wanted him hanging around too often. Oh, he talked at length about his own drugs, drinking and sexual exploits, but he offers up little but hearsay as evidence of what other cast members were doing.

Some of Screech’s second-hand bashing might seem plausible if he was the least bit credible. He’s not credible at all. He claims to have slept with over 2,000 women. Really? I mean, look at the guy. It’s Screech, for heaven’s sake — a fellow with all the charisma of a jack-in-the-box. 2,000 women? It’s hard to believe a word he says after reading that.

So, here are some of the allegations he made:

* Tiffani-Amber-Thiessen was a “set whore” and a Hollywood “pass around” girl who was also a scheming opportunist.

* Lark Voorhies acted like someone who had been beaten up one time too many by a boyfriend (Diamond all but says Martin Lawrence was the beater).

* Elizabeth Berkley didn’t have much talent at all and will forever be doomed to playing a sexy skank on television.

* Mark Paul-Gosselaar had homosexual tendencies and abused steroids.

* Mario Lopez was a skirt chaser (but not as successful as Diamond). He also raped a girl.

* Ed Alonzo, proprietor of The Max (the place where all the Saved by the Bell kids hung out) had a homosexual relationship with an underage Neil Patrick Harris.

* Diamond was smarter than his costars, writers and producers.

* Screech was the fan’s favorite character and Diamond is, like, the way best actor ever.

Here’s a pose for … the ladies.

* Diamond, while still a minor, had sex with a lot of older women (statutory rape, anyone?) He also had sex with Linda Mancuso, an NBC executive who was rapidly approaching middle age. But, of course, Diamond got all the women he wanted. He was, after all, the studly Screech.

* Those Scooby Doo live-action movies wouldn’t have been produced had Diamond not pestered people constantly about doing them. Of course, Diamond didn’t get a role in those movies because the world is against him and everyone hates him.

* Diamond smoked a lot of dope. The other cast members were, by and large, also substance abusers and that was bad. It was OK for Screech to smoke drugs because he’s so cool.

* Diamond is great. All hail Diamond!

It’s worth repeating that Diamond witnessed nothing substantial enough to give rise to his allegations. Furthermore, it’s obvious he’s jealous of the rest of the cast and has about as much credibility as my rat terrier.

What we’re left with, then, is a book that is a complete waste of time. It came out just last year and I wouldn’t be surprised if it was in the dollar bin of fine stores around the nation before too long

I got my copy of this garbage from the local library. If you’d like to buy one of for your personal library, just click here.

About: Ethan C. Nobles:
Benton resident. Rogue journalist. Recovering attorney. Email = Ethan@FirstArkansasNews.net.

One Comment »

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